QOTW

Question of the week.

Question of the week is an offshoot of b3ta where the goal is to make up the most brilliant story to impress girls.
Remember when you were 12 and you'd claim you touched a girl's boobs to impress the lads on the school playground? Well that thrill is still achievable, even if you are mid-thirties, over on QOTW. As ever, a lot less movement is required for these landwhales to interact with each other. If only there was an actual playground for them to run around in, and lose some gunt.

Some "women" like to lie on there about their private lives, but asides getting Level 80 elf male's attention on there, I have noticed little else for these people to aim for on QOTW. Perhaps there's a new fetish knocking about for ugly people I am yet unaware of. Or they get more food stamps off the government if they manage to shack up with one of these shoulder shavers?

It's yet another part of the internet where yet again, we are truly yet to discover the true fat people's psyche, and what it is indeed that turns them on to such banter. Suffice to say, I'm heralded as a hero over there whenever I show up and set them correct in the ways of calorie control and better internet.
As ever, there's a few stubborn numpad spellcasters on there determined to stick with the misery, but in time this will surely change. Look at /talk. Some of them are even having sex, now.
Well done me.

Another victory for common sense.

Not banned, just better than you.

Someone asked me the other day "Bud, are you banned from b3ta?"

Why on Earth would I be banned? I mean, all I do is serve up hot plates of uncomfortable truth for people too inept to conduct their lives off of the internet.

So no, I'm not banned. The truth of the matter is that b3ta has been blocked at work and, as we all know, I don't go on there in the evenings, so I really have no time, reason or desire to be on there at all, ever.

It's probably best you all take down the party banners and send back those celebraty Ginsters Peppered Steak Slices you're handing out. And while you're at it, go outside and remember what the sky looks like.

You useless, miserable fat shits.

/Bored

I've been on b3ta.com/board a couple times, recently. To see how if it all it has changed in recent years.
Now I'm not a Scientist with CERTIFICATES or anything fancy like that, but it's plain to anybody with viewing eyes that the place is even worse for pandering at teenage girls and ONLINE BFF's than earlier tests had shown.

I'm growing increasingly worried for fat males who only "like" what they are told to "like" by big fat internet indoorsmen. Clueless, un-tanned oafs who sit around all day either masturbating to pictures of Anime or some fat lass who was "Tomorrow's World" years ago. I don't know.

The sooner some of you are taken out back and shot, offline, the better.
If we were in China you'd probably be banned from going on that site. But you wouldn't like those laws, would you?
The beautiful twist of irony here is that, chances are, you're a half hour away from ramming China's form of "fast-food" into your over-sized gut.
You disgust me.

Stop pandering at people you'll never meet. Go outside, touch a girl.
You fat mess.

Fire, Fat People and Fury

B3ta is down. HA!

We can all probably list the current status of the average b3tan, regardless;
Tearful
Blaming JMG
Putting weight on
and blaming JMG.

I have noticed a separate and temporary board has been set up by b3ta to counter the wobbling hordes of unrest. It must have been up now for a few hours, and already fat people have registered the user name "Jam Master Geordie", and have tried to look like me, JMG, to be a lot more popular than they truly are in normal online life.
Friz. Probably.

As a studier and bullier of fatties. I am saddened that they couldn't last the weekend, offline.
It's all a secret test between myself, the internet's hero, and b3ta to try and bring about some stability to the average b3tan's life. B3ta can't last forever. You fat oafs must be made to suffer offline, one day.




/edit

http://forum.robmanuel.com/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=78

*Head in Hands*

JAM MASTER GEORDIE BASED MONOPOLY GAME

Now that we have a JMG-based game franchise on the go., I'd like to introduce the new craze that all the Hollywood Movie Stars are getting into. It's the JMG-based Monopoly game:

ROLY-POLY

First, you pick your dobber. There is a choice of a KFC piece of chicken, a Big Mac, A Prozac tablet, and a Cock.

Once you've picked your dobber - and managed not to put it into your mouth - you can then put your dobber on the "Meh" (the game's version of the GO). You are given your allotted 1000 calories and £80 to spend on whatever food-outlet you wish. Every time you lazy fuckers get round the board to the Meh place, you receive another dole/OMGI'MMENTAL payment of £80.

There are CHANCE cards. once example is:

"You buy a stupid MMORPG that causes you to stay in the house for several days, gain 200 calories"

You can then buy exercise equipment, and whenever another Rolypoly lands on it, they are forced by JMG to do 30 minutes on it - causing them to burn calories.

Whether you've burned all your calories, or you've got the most at the end of the game, is entirely worthless as you've already lost!

JMG'S OFFICIAL NEW GAMESHOW, "WOBBLE BINGO!"

Hello you fat mongs. You're here because you want to win INTERNET FAME, right?!
*Camera switches, focus on JMG with shotgun*

Hahaha! Great times.
Hey, are YOU an internet gamer? Tired of fat people in your way whilst playing games, who spoil things by discussing fat people's issues, or just beat you to levelling up your diamondback horse elf?

Here's a game for you and the whole of your MSN friend list to play! ROFL, it's:

WOBBLE BINGO!

Rules and general game description:
Create an 8 boxes by 8 square on a piece of paper, and you, YES!, YOU! can decide which b3tans YOU think will wobble at JMG over the next 3 hours! In the hope of achieving a line at first, then a FULL HOUSE! Star prize being a date with GMoS. Online.

My twist on regular ugly people's bingo is the fact you, YOU can give yourself an advantage with inside knowledge on recent wobbles, and the general mood of /talk.

Game resets every three hours, at the event of no winners, everybody gets THREE FREE INSULTS they can throw at ANY FATTY ONLINE AT THAT TIME, under the official JMG karma scheme.

JMG WOBBLEOMETER!

1. A fatty takes umbridge with something a fellow b3tan has said, mainly because it is in direct contrast with their own opinion. Probably about Dr. Who, the Mighty Boosh, WoW, or the most recently talked about obscurely-named band.
   
2. As above but with the inclusion of an expletive.
   
3. As above but where a second wobbler joins in.
4. As above but where the wobbler attempts to feign ignorance to the other's posts, which only fuels their flounce.
5. As Above but where a third wobbler joins in.
6. At anytime where Captials are used (not in a ironic mode)
   
7. As Above but where one of the wobblers is compared to another b3tan - normally Bud, Shambles, JMG, or hubare.
8. As Above but where a fourth wobbler joins in.
9. As Above but where at least two of the wobblers have reached a point of 95% agreement but continue to argue the differing 5%
10. As Above but where a fifth wobbler joins in.
11. As Above but where a lunch thread occurs during the flounce.
12. At anytime someone indulges in a spot of LOL CASUAL RACISM!
13. At anytime anyone makes a ROFLRAPE comment
14. At anytime someone becomes flouncy at another b3tan on behalf of another - normally absent - b3tan in a bout of righteous indignation.
15. Where a sixth wobbler joins in.
16. At anytime a GAZ IM is sent to another wobbler either to formulate a method of attack or to disparage the recipient
17. Things on the internet will at this point become unstable. Point 17 is reached when a wobbler begins to thicken their facade by making out they are connected to a dodgy family - an indirect threat upon one's safety
18. An attempt at an arranged meet or a blatant threat upon one's safety. i.e. "LETS MEET UP, I'LL FUCK YOU UP". This is normally where the flounce will end as no one will ever meet up.
19. Where one wobbler contacts another b3tan through ordinary means - e.g. a phone call to continue the flounce.
20. This will result in total meltdown of the internet. It will only occur when all the fatties arrange to settle a dispute face to face and leave the house - causing a thoroughly unplanned strain on public and private transport and causing pizza delivery shops to go out of business.
    

Return to former glory

Much like in that film that nobody thinks they've seen - probably due to a bad reference - where one of the main characters, previously thought to be dead, returns at a pivotal point to save the day; Bud has returned to grace b3ta with his almighty presence.

This resulted in much flouncing by Club Misery as the rippling tides of dissent caused a point 9 wobble on the JMG-scale.

We at JMG have also become very perturbed by the emergence of an OMGMINIBASH! where fatties are congregating en mass in our nation's shandy-drinking capital in an attempt to drain EU's quota on LOLCOMEDY! The effects of these meetings are not yet known, but rest assured we are researching prolonged exposure to T3H G30RGE 0N A TOOSDAY! Plus, our very own pink mafia foot soldier Moohaala will be on the front line gathering reconnaissance. If it wasn't for the fact that I don't think there are enough inhalers in Britain to facilitate it, myself and JMG would attend one of these ROFLFESTS ourselves... I see the scene much like a Michael Bay movie; where I'm repeatedly beating an online spotty over the head with the spine of a hard-back copy of "Catcher in the Rye"!

Quintessential /talk post - an update

Regular readers of this blog will know of my long term intention to build the quintessential /talk post, which, if the GMoS theory of Gravitational Shitness is corrrect should cause all shit, fat people on the internet to undergo spontaneous gravitational collapse and become black holes(a massive piece of irony as they're all very funny racists).

Today, as part of ongoing research, I give you this as posted by b3ta 'Ladie's Man' SexFace, note the fact that he's humourously changed his user name for Lent to imply that it's his choice not to have sex with girls, notice the responses by various b3tans ROFLing.

It contains a terrible pun, casual racism and people pandering to an unfunny joke.

You can smell the biactol from here.

Throw in a reference to meat pies and WoW into a workable sentence and we may be rid of these people.

Fatties : Breeding Fast

The phenomenon of the internet fatties is spreading unchecked, how they're breeding is a bit of a mystery to me, although my local Tesco reports that sales of flour are on the increase and they've recently broken their all time record for sales in January of this item.

Only the other day, in my capacity as JMG's Man In The Eastern Counties I was paying a visit to one of the other message boards in which I am responsible for Fatty Control and was confronted with This Individual
Now, he's clearly upset about something, poorly educated, probably smells and is a a racist to boot. If he were on B3ta, he'd never be off the popular page.

All in the signs are there that the 'Fatty Virus' is spreading, in this the thread above dear old Arsekicker, threatens me, gets very upset about me for no apparent reason and finally, later in the day, started a new thread declaring he was putting me on ignore(when I was out and about doing the school run and not actually online to bully him anymore) and one of his mates reported me to the mods.

In short, a textbook Wobble.

Worrying times people, and I am using this post to make a personal appeal for JMG himself to come to East Anglia to act as a consultant in this matter as the Fatties in East Anglia are clearly getting out of control and an EXPERT in needed.

FAST.

The Simple Truth: WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU

The weather has been terrible of late, a lot of rain and flooding - which I put down to the increased sweat given off by the fatties as the wobble to the SPAR for some chocolate covered peanuts - which has caused the venerable JMG and myself to take a slight hiatus from our favourite past time*.

When the weather is clement, we like nothing more than to jump in the old Freelander and head to the Northumberland countryside. Wearing the very best of designer tweed and barbour, we get Joanna Lumley's butler to load up the Fatapult, ready the elephant gun and shoot the wobbly bags of mess as they are hoisted over Hadrian's Wall.

"I say Jammy... " said I, as I monitored the descent of another fatty into the wilderness of Scotland "What has become of Bud?"
"Shambles has informed us he's gone on to a better place" replied JMG.
"He shall be sorely missed in the fight to eradicate the shit from the Internet!"
"Word!" Replied Dr. J, as we both adhered to a moment silence in acknowledgement of Mr. Muhnquai. "PULL!"

*Z0MFGW£AR3BV10U5LY5HA66|NG

Up, down, left, select, left, left, start.

An admission - I've opened some post that wasn't meant for me. It was for my address but I didn't recognise the name - it definitely wasn't the previous owners of the house, but the package seemed so tempting (and bulky) I really couldn't resist. Where's the guilt? I wouldn't know where to start looking for its intended recipient.

It was a softback book, a couple of hundred pages thick and just over A4 sized. Distinctive and brightly coloured like one of those computer game guides you see on the shelves of "Game". Loads of colour photographs on the back (oddly familiar ones though) and the legend "Your Life: A Strategy Guide".

I couldn't resist looking through at least the opening chapters. At first it bothered me how much content I've actually missed - It seems like I spent a lot of time rushing through it just playing it for the sake of it - but then slightly relieved to find that I hadn't done too badly so far. I'd beaten the odd illness here, the odd life-threatening thing there, avoiding walking out in front of that car here, etc.

What's worrying is that I've checked it to see how far I've got. I was at first relieved to find I'm less than halfway through it, but then slightly unnerved to find that a lot of the back of it just seems to be appendix (maps and photographs and the like) and no more actual guide.

At this stage the cheat codes look tempting.

Here Cometh The Wobble-era

2008 is the year of the "Fat" according to the true Chinese zodiac. It has been foretold that the inhabitants of the condemned Obese City will find a new Wobble Overlord and begin to revolt (more than usual). The year will start with many fatties drunkenly telling their 'friends' - probably at a Z0MFGXMA$B4SH that their new year's resolution is to lose weight and find a Real Girl/Boy. They mistakenly think this is possible by ordering a diet coke with their super-size Comfort-Meal (formerly known as a Happy Meal), or getting a McChicken McSandwich as it comes with lettuce. Things start to hit the rocks by their 10th meal and they recognise that the key to weight loss is exercise - until they realise this normally means leaving the house.

They then suddenly get desperate and turn to drastic measures such as anorexia and bulimia. The only problem being that they don't realise that chips from somebody else's plate DOES count and when it comes to making themselves sick after a gorge - they almost succeed in eating their own arm.

So, the time comes for them to throw their new year's resolution by the wayside (normally on January 3rd) and go back to their miserable little lives of sitting 18 hours a day on b3ta, bitching about JMG and talking endlessly about what they had for lunch.

Get to fuck is universal balance restored

I get to work from home a fair bit so am kept entertained by the daily televisual output provided for students and the unemployed. Amongst the adverts for stairlifts (which are the only ones that provide any interest, due to the fact one would be damned handy) are the standard assortment of adverts for those "had three accidents? Why not consolidate all your accidents into one easy-to-manage accident" sharks.

This one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2jNLwg_C4Y) caught my eye more than many and is evidence of an increasing trend of these adverts to make you think that claiming will in some way help the world. No longer is it sufficient to sue people just for personal gain but now you can ease your conscience safe in the knowledge that you've made the world that little bit better.

"Yeah, I sued that driver for fifteen grand but thats beside the point. They've moved the crossing so the lives of countless kiddywinks have been saved."

"Yeah, I sued my employer for twenty grand but thats not why I did it. Despite the fact I fell over because of this fucking stupid fringe I have, they've now moved the paper bin and put a big fuck off neon sign on it."

..which leads me to the youtube link provided for your convenience above. Now by claiming for what is rightfully yours, you are bringing order to the universe. Chaos and disorder be damned - you getting money in your pocket at somebody elses expense is now the cosmically right thing to do. Your place in Heaven is assured.

..and who is advertising it? Billy Murray, well known for playing a gangster on Eastenders. At least that part of the advertising is accurate, at least.

For those of you with a short attention span, I'm consolidating all the words in the above thread into a single easy-to-manage affordable word which is this; Wankers. You won't have to pay a penny to read that word and you are guaranteed every penny of compensation.

Words.

I'm currently losing to a real life girl, online, at Scrabble.
This reminds me very much of how I once saved Wales from the Vikings at Agincourt. It was 2004 and I was in Agincourt shopping centre, Cardiff. Boy Handsome was with me and we were there to watch football. I remember it well. It was raining and I was in a pair of Reebok pumps. At one point the sun broke through the clouds for twenty seconds and shone directly on me. As is life, I was besieged by ugly people wanting my autograph. I've taken to just signing my initials these days as I have to preserve my wrists for punching fatties and carrying the fatapult (TM) about the local communities.
This bearded gentleman approached with a hat on. The hat had horns on. I've rarely held a face of such glee. Anyway, he started rambling on at me like a drunk. Naturally, my first instinct was to assume he was Scottish, but it turned out he came from Sweden. You know, Sweden. Pornography and Abba. Words were exchanged and I finally beat him up. A crushing loss for the Vikings. At Agincourt. Gaggles of women in bikinis ran towards us as the sun came back out. The music of Weezer played in the background, the place went dark as the credits started to scrawl up the screen. Producer, GMoS. No Vikings hurt during filming. No Welshmen used as extras.

If one of you fatties copies my movie I'll kick your fucking head in.

Complex Superiority.

Hello, cake molesters and sun dodgers.

It's been a little over a week since I gave up b3ta. This morning, the ninth morning away from the board, I went back to read my many many fan mails and had a look at what was going on on the board, out of a sort of morbid curiosity. I searched the /talk board for my name and found that, since leaving, I've actually been one of the most talked about subjects on the board! Quite remarkable. For a bunch of people that don't like me and claim to be happy I'm gone, you all talk about me quite a lot.

And for the most part, in the most bitter, immature and pitiful way. None of you really had the balls to say what you've said recently to my face. And it seems that most of you tend to follow the fat shepherd whenever he kicks off. Really, you're all supposed to be adults. Yet, you're all acting like children.

I see that one of you has even used an experience of nearly two years ago as reason to insult the woman! Yet again proving that, men who are unlikely to ever feel the flesh of the opposite, or even same, sex are so sad and lonely that you've become angry at the world.

Me? I'm an incredibly happy person. I've seen the board turn from a happy, interesting and funny place into a boring, dull bitch fight. I used the site for over five years and at around the time that the talk board came into existence, it stopped being about showing people that you had talent, or could make a great joke into a visual one. It started to be more about people vying for the attention of each other, with no real purpose or known intent.

What used to be a hive of creativity is now just another message board. A rubbish one, at that.

So, if you're all so glad that I've left, you should probably stop whinging about me. I've had the decency to walk away from it. Prove me wrong about how dull you are by not whining like little girls and making me your main topic of conversation. If you're all so great, which you obviously think you are, talk about something else. Or, and this is what I think, it could be that I'm so god damned AWESOME that you're incapable of discussing anything else. Other than sandwiches, your lack of sex and your inability to get up off your chairs and go outside.

Help the Aged - please don't put them in a home

Good evening. The ever charitable JMG saw a poster for "Help The Aged" and allowed me to contribute to this glorious blog a few days back - I would have written quicker but until they make laptop screens bifocal my efficiency on the internet isn't as good as it could be. Still, I'm fuelled with oxtail soup and have a tartan blanket over my knees protecting them from the heat of the laptop so it's all systems go.

As a representative of the older (See 'ancient') b3tan, I'll have it be known that I'm a stereotypical oldie in that I imagine I pretty much hate anything you like. I imagine I'd think you're playing your music (whatever it is) too loudly and that I can't make out a word they're singing. The band you're listening to probably have a silly name as well - Arthur Askey didn't have to resort to such cheap tricks in my day, I tell you.

As I outgrow each social group, I come to hate what I once was. I hate kids and never understood why people hated students until I stopped being one. When I die I'll be a ghost who hates the living. There'll be chain rattling, mark my words.

Got to go. There's a Last of the Summer Wine evening on UKTV Gold and as I can't figure out how the video recorder works, I'm going to have to watch them all.

FoldsFive is here,

EXPECT AROUSAL. ON A GRAND SCALE.

THE OFFICIAL "JMG POINTS" LEAGUE TABLE 2008

• League Begins: 1700 December 17th 2007.
• League Sponsored by http://ithinkmybrainisfull.co.uk/
• Current Standings:

GrandmaOfShoes: 250
rosie posie: 100
hubare: 80
Grrrmachine: 55
moohalaa: 33
schnurricane: 30
-----------OMG RELEGATION ZONE-------------
Theoban: 25
Red Rocket: 12
Damion: 8

Quickly, now..

Hi fatties!
I can't stay long. This computer is running low on ink. I fucking hate you fatties. With you const

Hello again.

Hello you fucking shits. I've admittedly been away for a while.
Away from JMG.com.

There's been reports in the media that I've given up. These reports are far from true, and I'm having my solicitor, GMoS, look into pursuing claims against these publications.

I shall inform you of my travels since I last allowed you read my site:

November 1st-6th:
I was rushed off to Nigeria on a plane made of buttermilk as there was talk of fat people staging a coup. I wasn't having my Nigerian brethren being labelled the land of the fat owner.
After 3 days of baiting fatties out and into the Fatapult©. I was able to fire them off into the sea. Another win for popular, fit people, there.
I was given medals and generally praised by all who met me. I didn't knock anybody up.

Mid-November:
I couldn't be arsed.

Late-November to The Present Day:
I have been setting up my own Fat Lad rehabilitation clinic. Just North of Watford, Wales.
It's basically a building where ugly people can come and learn to use the internet sensibly. Like, using it to search for pornography and pictures of fat people stuck in their doorway. We also offer gym facilities and absolutely no talk of dinner is allowed, under punishment of a left hook to the jaw.
We've successfully campaigned for the closure of Games Workshops in the area, as well as the banning of daytime television. Two reasons there's loads of tubbies around, today.

Stand up when you applaud my work on this issue. I'm very important.
As you were.

PANDERING and YOU!

A JMG PLC production.

Hey, Billy!

You might have noticed that certain changes are happening to you and your body.

One of these changes might be that you feel more attracted to OMGirls.

That's normal, son!

But there's a right way and a wrong way to go about wooing the ladieeez.

This public service announcement is here to warn you about the dangers of PANDERING.

Observe the panderer in his native environment.

At first, his banter seems merely banal.
But quickly, it turns to behaviour we've all seen far too often.
Should an Internet Girl appear, the pander will soon ROFL at the girl's every utterance and defend her every opinion.

This quickly progresses to comments on how lovely Internet Girl looks this evening, and requests for her MSN and webcam.

Obviously, this is an INSULT to manliness and must be stopped immediately. Even Moohalaa doesn't offend manhood this much, and he's a fully paid-up bummer an' all.

JMG PLC hopes this has been educational.

Panic in the cake aisle.

B3ta has a new feature.

I predict much adding of ZOMGirls to spotty, sweaty people's profiles, to show that they're popular with girls, online.

Apparently, this feature shows a red 'delete friend' option, I'm willing to bet that there's tears before snacktime with this one.

Oh Ree-heee-heeaaa-healy?

As a very important man, and founder of the "JMG Online Appreciation Society", I find I have a great many social events to attend - Henceforth why I am rarely seen on the cheese-board (formally known as /talk) outside of working hours.

Strangely though; this does seem to be quite the oddity when compared to the common (and I mean common) b3tan. In times when I am not out schmoozing with celebrities and owners of SUCCESSFUL WEB-DEVELOPMENT COMPANIES IN THE MIDDLE-EAST, I regularly check my stock options...

Although it would be fair to say that I don't check them myself... Oooh No... I don't even "get my butler to do it". In fact; I'm that fucking important, I phone Joanna Lumley and get her butler to do it!!!

...Anyway, when I'm reclining on my Lazyboy I order Jo's butler to see which fat lumps of mess are on the Smörgåsbord (formerly known as the cheese-board), and he normally replies with the same tawdry names... Oh dear how embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as going to a bash (downright social suicide in itself) and getting your end away and having it broadcast to absolute strangers... ONLINE!

I'm going to build the Ultimate B3ta /Talk post.

In the probably misguided hope that it'll clear the internet of shit threads, casual racism, LOLWACKY posts and hilarious Maddy McCann jokes, or at least concentrate all the aforementioned PRIME TOPICS OF HUMOUR into one supremely rubbish thread, which, if GMOS's theory of universal gravitational shitness are correct should cause all the fat, rubbish b3tans to undergo gravitational collapse and drag themselves out of the space/time continuum.

So far my early research indicates a need for some hilarious gag about rape, preferably of a member of an ethnic minority referred to by an hilarious term of racial abuse.

I rather suspect a query about who's had what for lunch will be involved at some point.

I'd send Syncubus a /gaz for help in this quest but he'll only ignore my requests as I'm not a girl :(